A new addition to the HEART is our Forum-check it out

A new addition to the HEART is our Forum-check it out

Respondent: Going frequently is not proper.  But if they (married men) go only once in a while and protect themselves from diseases by using condoms, it is all right. (Case 18 Lopburi  rural male)

Married women have a less tolerant attitude than their husbands towards married men visiting prostitutes.  Some view even occasional visits as totally unacceptable.  In our focus groups, and undoubtedly in the general public, the majority of married Thai women clearly prefer their husbands not to visit prostitutes at all. Mrs S: Hundred per cent, women don't like it (married men visiting prostitutes). Several: We don't like it.

Mrs S: But sometimes we can't forbid it since men think it’s ordinary. (Bangkok middle class female group)

Respondent: I don't see why Married men have to (visit prostitutes) since they already have families.  Women surely don't like it  if their husbands do that... They shouldn't do it at all, especially now when there are a lot of diseases... If they think they can't live with only one woman, I mean a wife,  they shouldn't get married in the first place. (Case 4  Bangkok female middle class)

Despite their dislike of the practice, some women accept the view that men have a natural need for sexual variety and thus reluctantly tolerate occasional patronage of prostitutes by their husbands.  For them, and indeed for many Thai men, it is seen as a form of male entertainment and not as a serious breach of marital trust.  Just over two-fifths of the women in-depth respondents  (compared to about two-thirds of the men) felt that visiting prostitutes after marriage was ordinary behaviour.  This does not  mean they approved of it or thought it was proper but rather that  they saw it as a 'fact of life'.  Moreover, wives' tolerance was typically conditioned on the husbands' visits to prostitutes being discreet and infrequent, precautions being taken against STDs, and the costs not draining the family finances.

Respondent: It seems to be an outlet and a kind of entertainment among men.  They do it in groups of friends if urged by each other. (Case 21 Lopburi urban female)

Respondent: They give us most of the money so we must sometimes let them stray... Not as a habit.  They are allowed to (visit prostitutes) once in a while... if we are not financially troubled. (Case 2 Bangkok female teacher)

Interviewer: Is it normal for married men to take prostitutes?

Respondent: It’s okay for me if they do it now and then or on some special occasions.  If they do it as a habit, they are irresponsible and they may get wives infected through them.  (Case 22 Lopburi urban female).

Some women, who indicate that they are opposed to their husbands having sex relations outside the marital union, make exceptions to their general opposition during times when they are unable to have sexual intercourse with their husbands for an extended time.  They see their husbands having an innate need of frequent release of sexual drive and thus view situations where they themselves cannot  meet this need as justifying an occasional visit to a prostitute.  Such situations include long periods of marital abstinence necessitated by pregnancy and recent childbirth.  It might also include situations where employment requires the couple to be separated for long periods.

Mrs K: There's one period of time, during a wife's pregnancy, when a man wants to go out (and see prostitutes).

Mrs P: That's normal.

Mrs M: Yes, it's normal.

Mrs T: There's no one to release his desire. (Kanchanaburi urban  female group)

Mrs R: If I cannot give him happiness (sleep with him), I would let him do it with prostitutes occasionally, but he has to protect  himself. (Kanchanaburi rural female group)

Family responsibilities are often cited as reasons for opposing men’s use of commercial sex, especially if frequent.  It is nevertheless possible for some women to reconcile a husband’s occasional visits to prostitutes and his obligations to his family.   Thus tolerance, among those women who reluctantly accept the practice, is contingent on men not squandering more than they can afford and taking precautions against STDs.

Extramarital sexual affairs

While visiting prostitutes by men is often seen as a means of entertainment and thus not as a serious act of infidelity, entering a sexual relation with an ordinary (non-commercial) partner is viewed quite gravely.  This is so whether the offending spouse is the husband or the wife.  Nevertheless, there is a fundamental difference in overall views towards male and female infidelity.

Female infidelity

Views on women's extramarital sexual activity are unambiguous.   Both male and female focus-group participants and in-depth survey respondents typically saw female infidelity as unacceptable and assumed that it would lead to the termination of the marriage by the man.  Indeed it could also lead the husband to violence, against the wife, the lover, or both. 

Moderator: Is it common for women to have other men?

Mr S: Men just can't accept that.  If the woman does that, it means we have to separate... Our society just can't accept this kind of behaviour in women... Men consider themselves as  tigers. Two tigers can't live in the same cave.  One must die.  (Lopburi urban male group)

 Moderator: Can you stand the idea of your wives sleeping with other men?

Mr S: It's a big, troublesome deal then. (Laughed) They shoot each other because of this. (Bangkok male factory worker group)

Respondent: If they do that (extramarital sexual relations), they are bad women.  This is forbidden.  They can be killed by their husbands. (Case 17 Lopburi rural male)

The total unacceptability of female infidelity was often explicitly contrasted with the more lenient attitudes towards male indulgence in extramarital sex.  Unlike men, women are expected to control their sexuality and devote themselves solely to their husbands, and  their families.

Respondent: It is common for men to sleep with women other than their wives.  But as for women, if they have affairs, it is unacceptable... Such behaviour of women is against Thai culture.  But as for men, it is common.  'The only thing that women have to keep in mind is that they have to take good care of the family, make their family happy. (Case 28  Lopburi urban male)

Respondent: Men are men and women are women.  Women are supposed to behave... If women take lovers as a revenge to husbands, they will never have them back... It's the most serious damage a married woman can do to her family.  (Case 21 Lopburi urban female)

Mrs M: People in all societies are like that.  If women are unfaithful  ;o husbands, they will be left... But if men are unfaithful, wives will try to solve the problem. (Lopburi urban female group)

There were occasional mentions, especially by women, of, situations where it is understandable, if not socially acceptable, for a woman to seek or accept a sexual relationship with some man other than her husband.  Such circumstances typically involved a husband who was irresponsible or abusive towards his wife and family.  

Other reasons for infidelity were also stated, such as boredom or  bad character on the part of the woman, but received little or no  sympathy from our study informants.   The virtually. universal disapproval and strong condemnation of  extramarital affairs by women does not mean they are non-existent.   In at least one in-depth interview, a male respondent tearfully confided his wife's infidelity.  Moreover, in a number of the focus- group discussions, local examples were cited.  Everyone agreed, however, that these are exceptional cases.  Survey evidence is sparse on the subject, but to the extent it exists indicates that almost  no women admit to such behaviour (e.g. Sittitrai et al. 1992).  

Married men's extramarital sexual affairs with women other than  prostitutes are another matter.

Male infidelity

In Thailand non-commercial sexual relationships in which men involve themselves are quite varied, ranging from casual encounters  to committed relationships.  While there is a lack of reliable population-based estimates of the prevalence of extramarital non- commercial sex for Thai men, there is some quantitative and qualitative research which suggests that it is not uncommon  (Havanon, Bennett and Knodel 1992; VanLandingham et al.  1995).7 Even if not paid directly, most non-commercial sex  partners of married Thai men will expect some material benefit in  the form of gifts, occasional loans, or outright total support from  their male partners, depending upon the nature of the relationship  with the married man.  Men who enter these. relationships typically  understand these expectations.  Furthermore, so do

7Such data are undoubtedly very difficult to ascertain accurately in a broad-based survey.  Available estimates of men recently (in the last six or twelve months) having sex with non-commercial sexual  partners range from 5 to 28 per cent (Sittitrai et al. 1992;  VanLandingham et al. 1993; Thongthai and Guest 1995).  Even less information is available on the types and characteristics of the women who are non-commercial sexual partners of married men or  why they enter such relationships (see, however, Havanon et al.  1992).  It seems likely that in most cases such women are not married themselves, being either single or formerly married, but reliable statistics are lacking. their wives.  In the extreme case where a non-commercial sex partner is fully supported by a married male, she is usually referred to as a minor wife by both parties.

Mr S: A minor wife is known to the society.  People know her.   The legal wife also knows about her... You have to be responsible for them the same way you are for the legal wives. (Lopburi urban male group)

Moderator: Who are minor wives then?

 Mrs M: Those who are financially supported b our husbands.  They may have children by them.

Mrs T: We have to share the income with them.

Mrs M: We don't have as much as we used to have.  They are treated just like wives since they share everything with us. (Lopburi, urban women)

Minor wives and concubines have apparently been common in Thailand among the Upper strata for centuries (Wilson and Henley 1994).  Moreover, as our study informants acknowledge, they are clearly still a salient threat to modem married women.  Probably because minor wives have potentially greater economic and emotional significance for the husband-wife relationship, this category of non-commercial sex received more attention in the focus-group discussions and in-depth interviews than did other types   of non-commercial sex partners. In reality, most non-commercial sexual relationships of married men probably are of a less committed nature than that with a minor wife. However, wives also see such more casual relationships as threatening to family security, both in their own right and because they might eventually lead to a more demanding minor-wife-type relationship. With few exceptions, women in our study viewed relationships with minor wives, or women who could potentially have a long-term affair with their husbands, as either intolerable or as an extremely difficult burden to bear.

Mrs S: There is an old saying that it is better to lose gold equal to the weight of one's head than to lose a husband.   Minor wives cause family problems.  Husbands should not take them if they do not want to quarrel with their wife.  (Lopburi rural female group)

Interviewer: What would you do if your husband had an affair?

Respondent: Those (women) who have such problems must think about their children. Men tend to be selfish and they are likely to keep both women. Most middle-class wives can’t do much without husbands' support so they have to stand the situation.  Then, they get used to it.  For those who don't have a financial problem, they may get a divorce since the wives can provide for their children. (Case 6  Bangkok female cl'erkg)

Moderator: And if he doesn't really intend to take her as a minor wife but just sees her from time to time?

Mrs N: Even.if he doesn't think about it, we women have to think about it.  We're afraid he might take it seriously.  (Bangkok slum female group)

Except for the most casual affairs, even non-commercial relationships that do not reach the minor-wife stage will normally last much longer than commercial contacts. Thus wives typically feel far more threatened by ordinary women who engage sexually  with their husbands than by prostitutes, who require neither  extensive emotional nor resource commitment. The predominant opinion expressed in the focus-group discussion with both men and women was that non-commercial affairs were worse than patronage  of prostitutes. similar opinions were expressed by women in the in-depth  interviews although concerns about the risk of AIDS from  prostitutes was also very prominent among them, sometimes tipping  the balance in the opposite direction.

Mrs R: To go out (to visit prostitutes) is better (than taking a minor wife).  I think it’s better to be temporary and it can be finished.  In a case of a minor wife, he must be responsible for her.  In fact, he would have to divide with her the money that he would provide me.  Instead of the family being completely supported, we have to divide into two instead of receiving the whole amount. Kanchanaburi  urban female group)

Respondent: For me, I won't stand it if my husband has affairs.  As for prostitutes, if he takes them from time to time, it's okay.  They do it as a job.  If he has affairs with some ordinary girl, he must be really fond of her.  It means that he doesn't care for me any longer. (Laughed) I won’t stand for it. (Case 22 Lopburi urban female)

Interviewer: Would women consider men's taking prostitutes differently if there were no AIDS?

Respondent: It might be all right.  If he was bored with me, he could take one.

Interviewer: Could he take mistresses?

Respondent: No, absolutely not.  He would spend all on her and my children and I would be in trouble. He would waste all, money and time .(Case 32 Kanchanaburi rural female)

Married women's reluctant tolerance of their husband's visits to prostitutes must be understood within this context.  Thai wives are less threatened by their husbands' occasional visit to a prostitute than by their taking up with a ordinary woman, as a girl-friend or, even worse, as a minor wife. Non-commercial sex partners of any  sort, and minor wives in particular, are seen as threatening the very  core of family because they represent potential resource  reallocation from wife and children to other recipients outside the  present family; so it is not surprising that occasional visits to  prostitutes are tolerated.  Some women even seem to adopt a conscious strategy of permitting commercial sex visits in order to prevent the greater threat posed by non-commercial affairs.  Given the Thai view of male sexuality, which includes the need for variety, some infidelity seems likely if not inevitable.  Permitting visits to prostitutes means this need can be met without risk of serious  resource loss to the family.

Respondent: Some wives believe it's better than taking mistresses.   I hate both, either prostitutes or mistresses.  Some wives are forced to take the idea of husbands taking prostitutes as better. (Case 19 Lopburi urban woman)

Mrs N: I can accept when my husband visits prostitutes but he must protect himself.  It's better to let him go and pay his money than having another woman as a regular partner.  I accept it when he goes out, I told him to pay in return and not to do it for free, because free of charge might cause a constant attachment. That will hurt us if he has someone else and he keeps supporting her.  Let him go out if he wants a change of taste. (Bangkok middle class female group)

Mr B: I got this idea from my wife.  After I got married, she asked me not to have a minor wife but she allowed me to visit prostitutes.  When you visit a prostitute, you pay for her and that’s it.  But if you have a minor wife, you have to keep paying or giving her money.  If my wife doesn't allow me to visit a prostitute, I must have a minor wife.  It's natural for a man to feel bored, so he has to look for something new.  (Bangkok middle class male group)

Frequent patronage of commercial sex, however, is also seen as unacceptable by women (and many men), for it also drains familial resources and heightens the risk of bringing disease to the family.   At the same time, non-commercial sex of any sort, especially serious girl friends and minor wives, is universally regarded as unacceptable by married women.  It is typically when familial resources are in question that wives object most strongly to husbands’ extramarital affairs.

Conclusions

Current views of Thai sexuality are linked with the social construction of gender, which is itself but one component of a broader system of social relations and expectations between men and women in Thai society.  While it is important to recognize that  there is much diversity in views among individuals, there are still  reasonably distinctive patterns that have emerged from the focus- group discussions and individual in-depth interviews with married  men and women. There is a clear consensus among Thais that sex is more important for men than for women and that men by nature have a  need for sex that requires frequent outlet.  Also, in the view of many, men need some variety in sexual partners.  Our informants often stated that men become bored if limited to a monogamous relationship and that a desire for an occasional break from one’s steady partner is a natural inclination for men.  The premarital and extramarital commercial sex patronage by many Thai men is consistent with these general views of both our married male and female informants.  In contrast, women are thought to be far more in control of their sexual desires, which are in any event far less intense than those of men.  There was also no expression of a need for variety as part of female sexuality.  Instead, many women viewed their own sexuality as a means for providing satisfaction for their husbands' needs.

Both men and women, but particularly women, perceived that male sexual satisfaction was a necessary (if not sufficient) element in a successful monogamous union.  The responsibility of a wife to please her husband in sexual relations was seen by some women as part a strategy to accommodate men's stronger sexual needs and thus reduce the risk of husbands seeking alternative outlets that might threaten the security of the marriage.  At the same time, in the discussions of what makes a good spouse, satisfactory sex was generally seen by both men and women as secondary in importance to more general personal compatibility, mutual understanding, and fulfillment of complementary responsibilities as defined by the culturally embedded gender system.

Clearly, married women dislike all forms of male infidelity, but the social construction of male sexuality in Thailand conditions the degree to which women and men view various farms of male extramarital relations as threats to their marriages.  Occasional commercial sex patronage was generally not seen as an act of marital betrayal by either the men or the women, though many of the women were concerned by the threats posed by AIDS and other STDs.  Both men and women also noted that excessive commercial sex patronage could result in financial hardships and marital conflict for the man's family.  These qualifications are essentially pragmatic concerns rather than moralistic or ethical ones.  This is in sharp contrary to prevailing views in most Western societies, where commercial sex patronage by a husband is likely to viewed as a serious breach of marital trust and could be potentially devastating to couples. 

A new addition to the HEART is our Forum-check it out The differing social constructions of male and female sexuality also form the basis for a prevalent double standard in Thai society with regard to sexual behaviour.  It is permissible for single men to seek sexual release with prostitutes.  The idea of single women paying for sex is probably unimaginable and the idea simply never arose in  any group discussion or in-depth interview.  Some tolerance exists for a single woman to have sex with her regular male partner, especially if the couple is committed to eventual marriage.  More casual noncommercial sexual relationships are less tolerated but the shame associated with them is mainly directed towards the woman.  Loss of virginity for a woman is seen as detracting from her attractiveness as a potential wife for another suitor, although for many urban men in our study this is a secondary concern.  Virginity for single men is considered an oddity and thus not expected as a characteristic for a future husband. The double standard is pronounced with respect to marital fidelity.  There is virtually uniform strong condemnation by both men and women of married women who are unfaithful to their husbands unless there are extraordinary mitigating circumstances.   In contrast, men are quite tolerant of occasional extramarital commercial sex outings as long as they are infrequent and discreet.   Also some Thai wives are reluctantly willing to tolerate an occasional visit by their husbands to prostitutes.  This stems from a perception that men need some sexual variety and that in the male quest to fulfill this need, visiting prostitutes can serve as an  alternative to involvement with a non-commercial partner that  might drain emotional and material resources from the current  marriage. The overall impression provided by our study informants is that children are considered a more central focus of marriage than the sexual and emotional intimacy of the conjugal bond.  Thus it is not surprising that the financial threats posed by husbands' non- commercial sex partners were the most feared aspects of male infidelity for married Thai women.  This is not to argue that affairs between married Thai men and non-commercial partners have no emotional effect on the men's wives or that male infidelity does not engender a sense of emotional betrayal.  Some Thai couples undoubtedly share much emotional intimacy within their marriage.   Moreover, if the husband is indiscreet in either his patronage of prostitutes or affairs with non-commercial partners, the wife will  lose face.  But general expectations that Thai men have ‘natural’ needs for sexual variety temper the degree to which Thai women take these extramarital liaisons as a sign of personal rejection, especially when they only involve occasional relations with prostitutes in the course of male entertainment activities. Thai patterns of sexual behaviour are currently in flux.  More companionate forms of marriage are probably becoming popular among Western-educated urban elites and eventually may diffuse to the more general population.  More dramatically, the AIDS epidemic is undoubtedly serving to make longstanding patterns of male sexual behaviour more costly and less common.  Future patterns of Thai sexual behaviour and views of gender and sexuality, however, will necessarily be based on those that prevail at present.  Thus gaining an accurate view of current Thai perceptions is an essential step for mapping changes that either are induced by programmatic interventions or come about from less deliberate forces set in motion by the epidemic and the changing socio- economic context in which it is occurring.  As the present study shows, the systematic collection of qualitative data by the use of focus groups and focused in-depth interviews can contribute significantly to the expanding base of knowledge on matters that only a decade ago were almost completely absent from the social science research agenda. 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