Friends
as Family?
"Is
it possible to create my own family of friends who
will care for me?"
By J.
Buzz von Ornsteiner, Ph.D.
I'm an HIV+ female in my mid-thirties, single
and having trouble with my friendships, or rather my
group of friends. It's been two years since I found
out I was HIV-positive, and at first my friends were
supportive and caring. However, now they don't live up
to my expectations. I guess I have developed a higher
standard of what friendship should be since my HIV
diagnosis. Thus far I've been fighting with the same
friends that I had been attempting to create a
"family" with.
These are friends from my high school, college
and place of work, and for years we have hung out in a
group going to bars and dance clubs. I thought these
friendships were 'for life,' but now I don't know.
When I am feeling depressed, I will call my friends to
talk but they will get off the line quickly and not
call me back. They have always shown up late or
cancelled engagements with me; currently we seldom see
each other. When I stated that they are my family and
I need them, a couple of them acted shocked and stated
their boyfriends and husbands came first.
These friendships have lasted for at least 10 to
15 years, a lot longer than any of them have been with
their husbands, boyfriends and lovers -- and doesn't
years in friendship mean anything? I now wonder
looking back over the years if I just a 'bar buddy' to
keep them all company when we were out looking for
guys? When they did find boyfriends I was the one who
really got dropped! Has my HIV-positive status caused
them to reject me? I am forever single, but is it
possible to create my own family of friends who will
care for me?
First off, it is always a good thing to look back
and evaluate where you met this group of friends and
why you developed long friendships with them. One main
factor may have been your environment. The friends you
write about are from your high school, college and
place of employment and are based on a common
environment aside from your mutual interests. Seeing
the same people day-to-day can play a strong part in
keeping many friendships alive.
For many people, once the structure of high school,
college or a job has left, it is not uncommon for
these emotional ties to loosen and eventually end. To
place 'family' demands on any of these friendships may
be problematic. These friendships sound like there
were many environmental trade-offs, but I sense little
else. Group or gang friendships are a normal natural
part of our culture, and play a very important role in
a person's social development. In addition to all
group activities, there are 'mate hunting' adventures
which friends do together. This is socially acceptable
and begins in junior high or high school. Rather than
going to a social event by yourself, it can be more
enjoyable and safe to do it when escorted by others,
and many friendships -- male and female, young and
old, homosexual and heterosexual -- are created this
way.
However, this situation doesn't always lay a great
foundation for a reliable friendship. When one of the
friends does meet someone, it is equally common to
find that those friendships disappear and only
reappear when the love relationship has ended. If you
have chosen to leave that activity and environment,
since you state you are 'forever single' you may or
may not have the 'glue' to keep your friendships
together.
Often people feel that the length of a friendship
does demand certain behaviors. However, time and years
should not suggest that you place can greater demands
on people with whom you have been friends for a long
period of time. Although you may believe or have come
to expect that time in friendship equals a higher
level of reliability, I feel this would be a mistake
in judgement. In adulthood, the quality of
relationships seems to be more important than the
quantity. Having at least one close friend, for
example, helps ensure emotional well being. Research
indicates that it is actually the subjective
perception of social support that is more critical
than actual support, not only for alleviating feeling
of loneliness but also for reducing the effects of
stress and the risk for health problems. Your
perception of your friends as being supportive and
reliable as a group was not correct, and this is
always a disappointment. However, your solution could
be to focus on one or two friends, not a whole group.
When people don't return phone calls or show up
late, or cancel dates, what is that telling you? It is
hurtful and a disappointment, but if this has been a
consistent part of your friend's character or
something tolerated by the group members it is
unlikely that it will suddenly change. You may have
over looked this flaw due to other positives in the
your friends’ make-up and now for whatever reasons
the trade-off or pay-off in your friendships are no
longer present. No one is perfect. I'm not telling you
to put up or shut up about habits that are abusive in
friendships, I'm just stating that more than likely
these personality flaws in your friends may have
always been there.
Viewing your friendships as 'friends for life' or
as a 'family' may sound ideal, but it may be somewhat
unrealistic. Throughout our life as we continue to
change and grow, so do our relationships. Nothing
stays the same forever. That goes for just about
everything including our friendships, our interests
and our viewpoints. Although you are saddened by this
situation try to consider your friends viewpoints and
how they may feel, it may help you to develop a
stronger level of tolerance. Your HIV status coupled
with your viewpoints toward friendship may have placed
extra demands and emotional burdens on your
friendships that they may have chosen to reject or
felt they could not meet. You want a higher level in
friendship but remember your friendships were created
on a past situational foundation of going out to bars.
You maybe demanding something more, which may or may
not be possible for these people.
Possibly due to your HIV status, your tolerance has
changed and you view time and quality relationships in
a different light now, which is fine. Looking back it
may help to ask yourself what you found enjoyable
about these friendships? In addition ask yourself
these questions: why did you want to create a 'family'
with these friends? What are your expectations about
friendships? What do you need to feel supported by
your friendships? What can you bring to a friendship?
What are you willing to give of yourself toward your
friendships? With all these questions, ask yourself
one more: can I accept people for who they are? This
is a tough one!
Relationships work well when people have realistic
expectations. Clearly your friends have let you know
with their actions and words that they are not able to
meet your expectations. If you can remain friends with
these people, knowing their limitations, do so and
accept them for who they are. Keep your eyes wide
open, learn from this experience, and continue to seek
out new friendships in your future.
Readers are encouraged to write in to the "Psychologically
Speaking" column with their general questions
or comments. However, please be aware that not all
questions or comments can be responded to in the
magazine and personal replies are not possible. There
may also be a delay before letters can be responded
to. If you have a serious problem or concern that
requires mental health care, you are encouraged to
contact your primary care physician, an AIDS service
organization (including the Body Positive Helpline:
1-800-566-6599), or other source of referrals to
mental health care.
J. Buzz von Ornsteiner, Ph.D., is a psychologist
and behavioral consultant in New York City and will
periodically write the "Psychologically
Speaking" column.
This article was
provided by Body
Positive.
|
